Again the disclaim of the rights of the image. I do not recall where I got it from, it should be familiar to quite some people though.
See this image? That could be me. I am an Outsider. I stand among 7 billion people. I look like 7 billion people. I look no different. But my sinister mind differs from the ordinary and naive mind.
I don’t know what happened. One day, as I was 12, I opened my eyes and said something. Something I will never forget. “Hey, this world is a pile of damned shit!” I’ve watched the news, I’ve observed people, I’ve solaced people. Victims of rape, witnesses of suicide, accidental killers. I’ve lent them a heart. I’ve taught them that they are only 15… They still had their entire lives to live. Back then, I still was a believer in God. All gone. They cried and didn’t stop crying, they didn’t want to stop crying. I’ve seen lives ravaged. Some committed suicide, some are dragging on through their misery. The young misery.
I’ve always wanted to know why things are the way they are. In my research, I found only cruelty in the human nature, killing, rape, deceiver, war. Thousands of years of war, ever since our time began. Its not better today. Its just different from what it used to be.
I’ve grown with my thoughts. What I’ve seen happening in the world blackened my soul. Now humans are disgusting to me. I’ve stumbled upon dark and forgotten secrets and I question “Why me?” I cannot tell you which secrets, our society has been taught different. It is now “our” mindset. You would mark me as naive and crazy. Maybe I am. Maybe you made me that way. Maybe not. Who knows? God, for sure, doesn’t.
I am the Outsider. I’ve grown up in some sort of isolation. I’ve considered only those friends who wanted to do something with me and I still do. I don’t have many friends. I used to have some as I was younger. Then even my best friend disappointed me. I admit, I have overreacted, but he seriously hurt me more than once. I ended up having none until 3 years ago where we got friends again. Then, last year, I discovered he has developed a male bitch jumping for every relationship he can get in as soon as he leaves the other with the words “revenge is beautiful, I will fucking kill you.” Our friendship ended once again.
I haven’t learned all that “social behavior” shit. I had to teach myself by looking at other people. So I did. But I’ve never understood why people behave like that. Of course I have different points of view. I don’t think like others do. Of course others think I think “out of the box.” But I don’t. It’s just the way I think – differently. Either I am normal and the humans are abnormal, or I am insane.
I am the Outsider. I have no sexual affection by the other sex, or even myown sex. I have an affection of death and darkness like probably most of the people here. I am home here. The first thing I think about if anybody makes a sexual joke is related to death. “In and out and in and out” – A knife. Oh, no, wait…
Being embraced by darkness makes me feel comfortable, protected. Rain makes me feel wonderful. I don’t understand why people hate rain. How can you be so stupid and wish the very essenz of life on our planet, that used to be the beautiful Earth, wasn’t there? Just fucking take what the universe gives you, damnit!
I am the Outsider. “Miss America” is ugly to me. That damn bitch. I literally see the inner beauty of a person. It is reflected to the outside in my eyes. That “Miss America” is one damn ugly fucking bitch to me. I don’t understand what’s so beautiful about her. She looks just like others. She just behaves disgustingly, as if she was something better. To me, my girlfriend is the most beautiful girl in the world. Yes, I have a girlfriend although I have no sexual affection. Think about it… what do I care about sex? I don’t give a fuck, I hate people. So what other reason could I have to love her? It’s way to complex to explain. She loves me the way I am, she supports me in anything I do, she envies my intelligence, she makes me feel special, she encourages me, she cheers me up, she tells me how beautiful I am although I fucking hate my damned body. That’s from her side. She is beautiful, she is intelligent, she really is undoubtfully special, she is brave, she is talented, she is gifted, she is one of the psychically strongest people I’ve ever met. That’s from my side. Both sides are just the peaks of the icebergs.
I am the Outsider. I have diagnosed myself with at least 5 mental disorders. At least that’s what the Internet says. I don’t think those are disorders. They are simply traits of my character. They too define who I am. The only aspect I hate about me is my body.
I am the Outsider. Because I want to be the Outsider. It is fun to observe the idiocy and how naive people behave while I fake to be a totally different person. Some I allow to experience who I really am. A “fucked up” mind. That’s how society would see me. But never fully, only gradually. Preserves the fun for them to discover new pages of the book unwritten before. Seems to work as people tell me, it is exciting to study “Briology.”
But… am I fucked up, or is it society? Did I make myself like this or didn’t society show me how fucked up it is and turned me into this? I was a little child. I didn’t even know what the hell was going on in the world. Everything was a peaceful illusion. Sometimes, I wish it would have stayed that way. Being blind seems to be the key to happiness. But it has a high price.
So, do you think I am an Outsider? Are you the Outsider, too?