Shuttered n silence,  awaiting the dark

Bypassing the streetlights, I head for the park

Slipping into the soft glove of night

Shadows made darker,  contrasted by light

Bringing you into my fatal embrace

You don’t know it yet,  but you’ll die in this place

My fangs are swift,  more sharp that a knife

I drink in your soul,  the blood is the life.

**Defiling rules, inferiors mine
**Consume precious body beyond mental line
**Creek of devotion now runs down your spine
**Gorging upon such innocent wine.
*****************************************
**Havoc eclipses the sun makes me blind
**Inside bleeding heartbeat I feel and entwine
**Within Hellish kitchen I drink you and dine
**The meat of your thoughts is fucked and declined.
*****************************************
**Cut up the flesh and soak up the brain
**Release your desire, unstable, profane
**Bless your sin, wrap it in sinister binds
**A vision of scythe erases your mind.
*****************************************
**I shall detour you upon dying light
**And show you infection of visceral bite
**Thou shall not see me nor ever deny
**Enslaving desire, you are only mine.

When i was a kid growing up Video games were my escape. You know it put you in this realm where you made all the decisions and everything was up to you. You know even though you were confined to this game cartridge (that was what they were at least while i was growing up.) you had this great degree of freedom that i didn’t have in reality i found. Impossibilities became possible and you were the ruler of your world; you could play the game the way that made YOU happy. The first game system i ever had was the Nintendo 64, and man i loved that thing, my dad went out and bought that system as soon as he heard my mom was having a boy (that isn’t to say girls don’t play video games just that at the time it was more likely that boys did.) and when he got that game we only had 2 games for it, Super Mario 64, and The Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time. At that point in time i wasn’t yet born but when i got to the age of about 3 i believe that was the first time i picked up that controller for my very own and played Mario.

A little later in my life i got into the handheld consoles and i got a game boy color with 2 games on it as well, Pokemon Yellow, and Donkey Kong County 1. When i played those games it was the happiest times in my life, my family has somewhat grown apart and now there is drama where there wasn’t before and i just pop in a cartridge of Mario Party and remember back to when me and my cousins were little and we all huttled around that little 15 inch TV and played Mario Party for hours and hours. I guess why i’m writing this virus is to remember how things were then, and how they are now; we all have things about our childhood, at least 1 thing that brings back that feeling of nostalgia and that desire to be a little kid again.

Why now? Why now have i chosen to fixate on the past? Maybe its because of how quickly i’m changing now, how much i see it in who i am, when i look in the mirror it becomes hard to recognize the little kid in the past, because we aren’t the same person. However when i look at who i have become and all the things i’ve done in my life i realize that i’m happy for all of it, good and bad, because without every little memory, every mistake and ever video game i ever played i see that it shaped me into the person i am now. I know that might seem strange to think that video games had such a big affect on me but they did. They became a big part of my childhood and they made me a more creative person, it made me believe that i could be just like that whimsical character i controlled. Video games actually sparked my love for music, if you go back and play an old video game, your bound to have one SOMEWHERE, you’ll probably be able to hum along with the tune it plays in the back round of by heart, and for me those songs evolved and turned into what i listen to today.

Some people say that people who had childhoods like me were deprived of a REAL childhood, but i don’t think they really get it, just cause i wasn’t out playing sports didn’t mean i was deprived of anything, sports are games, just games i didn’t care for, i played the games i loved and it turned me into who i am now, and i have pride in that. Not because i have an ego the size of the moon, just because i’m finally becoming the person i wanted to be when i was a little kid. Sure maybe i look like a villain, but let’s be honest, the villain looks cooler in most video games anyway

~Digitized Nostalgia~

There was a little romanic chapel a little bit further than the village in Hispania, before the muslims arrived. This chapel was raised up, as some legends must say, with the death of Saint Pacomious. The chapel had in the northwest wing a monastery of the order of Saint Pacomious. There was a monk called Faustinus that came from the tribe of the Goths in the north. The monastery had in its majority monks that had arrived from the north of Africa and some countries of the mediterranean line. Faustinus was a young man who tried to live according to the rule of Saint Pacmious ‘Ora et Labora’ and he was not having problems until… One day, in the middle of the matins, in what we should call now 3:00 in the morning , a strike of sight disturbed the monk’s prayer… The chapel was slightly iluminated with torches put on the candelebrarum around the eardrum of the chapel which reduces the intensity of the light. Faustinus recognize a human shape hidden in the altar which contained an rare image of a dying christ… Black.Faustinus was a little bit nervous so he interrupt the prayers and the prior brother scolded him severily. But Faustinus knew that there was someone hidden in the back of the altar. During the hole day he didnt distract himself from the thoughts of said shape he saw. He was really sure that it was going to appear again, but during the periods of prayers of the day he didn’t see a thing or something similar. There was nothing but the austere and almost naked dying black Christ staring at the monks. In his country he heard plenty of legends about appearings of the dead or some natural entity such like fairies and gnoms that used to remain in sacred places for the ancient and pre-christians traditions that uses to be exorcised to be able to build churches in… But it cant be impossible to be a gnom or a fairy. The prescence of Satan was also something that got Faustinus scared for a long time; he has been a good monk and he didnt surrender to any temptation that certainly haunted him always. He asked his brothers in the convent if they saw said shape and they said that there was nothing but a real damage in his brain and he needed to eat better… Too much sacrifice was leading him to madness. Before going to sleep he always said his prayers and read some passages from the bible… He really felt clung to one psalm that was the 91st Psalm… “And protect us from the Terror of night”. He slept well and woke up to Matins. He walked alone in the corridor with his candle in the hand. In the west wing of the construction, it is, the cemetery of the monastery, there was a movement of the trees that made the branches to hit the window. There was a coincidence because the location of the Black Christ was certainly in the same direction of the cemetery, looking at the west wing. Faustinus was not conscious of such a thing but he was terrified to see the shape of a human hand again. He did his prayers, singing more beautiful than he did some other times feeling protected by Maria mater semper virgine… But there was not a shape that make Faustinus to feel scared. It was a shadow of a complete human body but there was something .that left him breathless… It was a half human body, the rest was particullary animalistic, frightening, it was a sort of hindquarters unrecognizable. He shouted to alarm the monks and the same story happened. In the next days, he started to dream of old and ugly ladies that inmediatly turned beautiful when they submerged in a wide lake kept by entities of different shapes with their skin black as an ebony… As the Christ of the altar. Lilies that grew rotten, elders that grew in bloody puddles where heroes has died recently, oaks that grew inmensily until they draw a square that started to be a natural temple… for as long as he could. The shape didnt appear anymore, phisically, but it was there, in his dreams, in an cosmic appeareance. It was the night of Saint John, in June 24, the villians light the candles for the traditional celebrations. But monks stayed alone in their monasteries, it was more than known that it was a pagan and “satanic” festival in which people celebrate the solstice of midsummer. Faustinus was lighting his candle when he stared at the same direction of the window. There was a sort of strange sound outside but inmediatly he recognized the hit of the branches in the window so there was no problem. Then he got inside the room with his brothers and the prior and started singing… Et introíbo ad altáre Dei: ad Deum qui laetíficat juventútem meam… Faustinus was being victim of distractions. There was a sound in the air that was fighting with the soft singing of the monks. There was something hidden behind the old christ like the past nights. Suddenly there were giggles, whispers that were growing louder and louder… Faustinus screamed at the top of his lungs. The Prior deciced that he need to be exorsciced and then again, the Laudes were interrupted because of Faustinus’s problems. The Cemetery was litten like if there were candle-lights in each branch of the trees, there were fautus fires and dancing sillouttes but the only one that can watch all of this was Faustinus. The prior locked him in his room until they find and exsorcist. But they did not have wait for too long. Suddenly, Faustinus, inside his room started to listen again those whispers that were little by little taking shape until he finally listened female voices that were calling him. A pair of shades penetrated the lonesome room and there was a small and ugly man that looked more like an animal whose name was robin… it was certainly the shadow that was hidden in the dark christ. The shades were suddenly a pair of beautiful women that, with robin, were inviting faustinus to join to the celebration. Faustinus was enchanted with the beauty of those womans and the sympathy of ”Robin”. The celebration was inminently done in the cemetery, you can behold those old and young women together dancing in the graves at the sound of a terrible psalter being played by a misshappen dwarf. They all invited the poor monk to join them, to adore the Bacchus Icona in the middle of the churchyard while they were shouting and singing: Haec est clara dies clararum clara dierum! Haec est festas dies festarum festa dierum! Faustinus inmediatly fell in love with a young lady that took his hand and made him to kiss the Bacchuss image and to reject his monachal vows. Faustinus was mesmerized by all he have seen that he finally died in a ecstasy of glory, knowing, at the final moments of his life, the real meaning of cult and devotion.

She walks on the frozen land, as if she owns this world of ice and Cold. She smiles her blue lips as the small snowflakes touch her skin, yet they do not melt, they stay in their crystal beauty glittering along with the diamonds on her dress. She reaches out a hand to the Cold, caressing it as if it was a person in front of her with an oddly soft expression on her face. She watches as the land is under a white blanket of twinkling flakes. She watches as everyone wears such big clothes in towns and she sees the smoke from the hills where houses set fire to gain warmth. She cannot help but smile at the efficency of man kind. The snow covers the lake and beneath the sheet of ice lays like a deadly hunteress waiting for their pray. She flies above the ice, beating her broken wings depleted of feathers with a sense of coldness that she bring’s with her. She cannot help but gaze at the frozen painting creatred by the Cold. She had to admit that Cold was an unbeatable artist of false loves and fancy lies, of rushed follies and cheating smiles at Summer’s skies. She loved the Cold more then anything nowadays, her king dead with Cold’s arrival she had only the Cold and the Blue Moon left.

The Blue Moon was a shadow of enmity colouring her eyes tainted and pale, scaring man’s breath away. She makes man chase his breaths at night and it cheats a smile to her eyes. Yet when cold came she grew soft, remembrance of the one she loved came back screaming, like cries in a hollow shell, broken, tattered here and there. She felt like droping to the ground and let her wings crumble , making her the cage she is now trapped inside. It has been two falls since he was taken from her yet she weeps with willows still. The Moon mocks her, the Cold breaks her. She looked at the world with a haunted gaze, her eyes seeing the snow, small stars of perfection, falling to the ground one by one, a silver storm. She looked at the ice, its flowery patterns one by one forming with Cold’s breath, like a garden of frozen roses, no more a bloody red. She saw as the little droplets of water sparkled before they hit the ground, only to become one with the snow that covered everything. She felt her tears freeze once again, turning to diamonds. Cold endeared her in stinging kisses, blades of love thrust into her skin, breaking it like a shattered mirror. She felt the warning Wind, as it played with her hair, tangling it while the Cold lay its kisses upon her cheeks and she listened to the playful and witty Wind as it told stories of ages long past.

She let the Wind run in and out between her bones, making her colder all the while. She let the playfull little devil play with her wings, making her sway slightly as if he wished to dance.She laughed gently, coldly, making all the passer-by’s shudder in a sudden fright.She felt nothing but hate for this world. For what it had turned her, for Death’s unforgiving enmity, for Time’s witty joke played on the ones following him, for Winter’s nostalgia, For Cold’s remembrance and for Life’s slughish way of unruly and chaotic change. She let her momeories be washed away, let the Wind carry it away on its shivering breath, plundering it all. She hated everything and everyone. Then the Blue Moon’s light shined onto her and she let it caress her hollow shell of broken might. She let her take away all love and care, replace it with woe to share. She smiled but there was no softness in her features. Her beauty was prostatic, unmoved. Her smile matched that of Cold and her laugh made the Wind shudder and turn twistedly. Time let her go with a sigh, Life laughed and passed her by. Death looked at her with fury and disgrace, spat at her feet and turned to sulk away. Winter welcomed her and Winter only, the paragon of her life, the paradox of seasons. Winter welcomed her new child of cold and deathly silence. The Blue Moon was jealous of how the Queen was a child to Winter, when she was hers and only hers, her lover the only Lie she has ever believed. She shined and glowed, gloating her light in winter’s nights, letting Winter know the Queen was hers. Winter laughed and made company for the Queen as long as she lasted, coming and going like any ohter season never leaving without some Reason. The Queen grew cold and she was growing colder still. She retired with the Moon each day and walked each night, Winter always by her side.

Drench your wish into my blood, and hear the spoken lies
That planted seeds within your mud, eclipsing pagan skies.
As fear recalled sadistic god, tormenting naked flies
Impaling holy brotherhood, along with Jesus Christ.
-I- -I–I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I-
Severe was judgement for my sin, for kiss towards my moon
Their gaze ignited world to win, the hunger born in doom
As bloody creek across my skin, the flame would enter soon
Into my thoughts reside within, as a rose of darkened bloom.
-I- -I–I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I-
Such raging heat of burning tongue, it came into my soul
Entwining chants I always sang, demented and so foul
Now breaking chains with demon’s fang and calling for my owl
Towards the darkness then I swang, into the Satan’s howl.
-I- -I–I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I- -I-

She struggled to get up, feeling new bruises forming on her ribs where he’d kicked her.

Another blow.

Her head spun, and the contents of her stomach was suddenly on the floor in front of her.

Red.

She didn’t remember eating anything r-

Oh.

Blood.

Her blood.

Its taste pervaded her palate so strongly that her other senses were dulled in comparison. Copper- or was it iron? – bitter and metallic, took over her taste buds, filling up her mouth until she had to spit it out.

Another blow.

Crunch.

That’d be a rib.

Strangely, the white-hot pain that normally radiated through her body was gone. She must be getting used to it.

Each word, part of a slew of admonitions, insults, curses, was accompanied by a kick, the toxic rage making him see red, making her see red.

Why does she let him do this?

Why won’t anyone say anything?

Her co-workers (the only people she’s permitted to speak to) have seen the bruises, the cuts, the burns, the everything.

Why didn’t they help her?

More blood poured from her mouth, her body, as she remembered this feeling from somewhere else. From when she was a little girl:

Daddy loves me why does he hit me?

To now:

He loves me why does he hit me?

Her vision blurred at the edges, a black haze slowly taking over her, a numbness. No more yelling, all silence now. Echoes of whispered apologies lie in the silence after the screams. She stopped struggling, so tired now.

Peaceful.

He head fell to the ground with a soft thump.

Her eyelids fluttered, then closed.

Chest rose and fell.

Stopped.

Heartbeat slowed.

Stopped.

Blood flow.

Stopped.

Pain.

Stopped.

All that was left were fragments of unanswered questions spelled out in blue-black-red all over her body.

Daddy loves me why does he hit me he loves me why does he hit me why didn’t they help me why didn’t anyone help me why didn’t I help me why?

I’m sitting in a counselor’s office, waiting for my schedule to print out. The man helping me is a bit short for an adult male. He’s only about 27 years old, but he knows what he’s doing. Today he is wearing a light blue and white plaid, long-sleeved, pearl-snap dress shirt. His black slacks and shiny shoes match with everything he wears. His eyes are a blue-green color, his chin isn’t too rounded, but not too pointy either. His computer lights up his face with whatever colors flash across the screen. His desk is rectangular, but only takes up about 1/3 of his office. As I watch him work, I’m just thinking about what a Cool guy he is. He got me in to the class that let’s you travel to other countries for your education for five to six weeks.

“Well Nettie, looks like you’ll be going with a class of four to Columbia. Your friend Caitlyn will be going and her friend… What’s his name again… Oh, Dustin. The fourth is ill and may or may not be able to go with you. So, hers’s your schedule,” he set my new schedule down on his desk in frond of me, “if you have any other questions, don’t hesitate to ask, okay?” His smile to me now is genuine, but I feel bad for coming to him every day for a week and a half with questions.

All I can do is smile and say, “Of course Mr. Zackman. Thank you so much.” I gingerly swipe my new schedule from his desk, examining it, I turn to go, but remember something. “Did you say… ‘Columbia’?”

At his slight nod, I turn and push his door hard. My family had gotten me a new, professional camera for my birthday this year. I couldn’t wait to take pictures and travel around the remote area’s of Columbia with Cat and Dustin. But I don’t want to have to listen to their “horny teenager” talk.

I’m 18 years old, single, pretty enough, but I’ve been single for 2 years. I can’t remember why I’ve wanted to stay single, but I bet there was a promise I made to someone when I was 16. My hair comes down to my lower back, but also has tons of layers in it. My bangs are cut jaggedly diaganol to the left. My eyes are blue, I dye my hair dark brown and straighten it. My hair used to be super curly, but now it only gerts a little wavy after a shower, but I straighten it anyways.

I have only been in college for about two weeks, but it hasn’t been that bad. I’m going for my photography major before cosmetology. The travel classes are leaving on Thursday this week. Today is Monday. I’m glad I took only morning classes, so I could talk to Mr. Zackman about travel classes. I have a lot to do for my trip and not much time to do it. My room-mate is Caitlyn Hayes. One of my best friends. We are enrolled at the Gulf Breeze Acadamy college. I see Kayla every day at the beach. she’s still going to high school, but we’re besties too. she introduced me to some of her friends last week… There was Civvy and Kat and there was also a boy, but i can’t remember his name.I have to gather up some stuff and talk to my teachers before I can go to the beach to meet up with Kayla today.

After going to see my teachers, I grab my bag from my room. Its contents being; sunscreen, a notebook, and a bag of pencils. My camera is in my car, in its case. I drive to the beach in my blue Mazda. the interior of my car is soft, velvet-like material. On my way to the beach I almost sneezed while I was at an intersection. It could have been bad.

Considering the fact that all of my classes are in the morning, it is only 11:37 when I get to the beach. I step out of my car, pulling my bag onto my shoulder and taking a towel out of the back seat, I scan the beach for Kayla. Seeing her almost instantly, I grin. She is wearing a black tank top and black shorts I can see the strings of her purple halter-top swim suit reaching over her collarbone. shes wearing her black flip-flops. I look down at my own outfit; blue tank top, black skirt with black shorts underneath, my blue and black halter top swim suit tying behind my neck. With a sigh, I lock my car and walkk over to Kayla.

“Hey, wanna know what happened today?” I ask her, after coming withing earshot. She turns and says, “sure”. I proceed to tell her about the schedule change and going to Columbia. when I finish I realize that I had started to zone out, watching the ocean, when Kayla’s voice interrupts my thoughts.

“Hey, didn’t you know some guy in Columbia or something a few years ago? Because if so, he could show you around and then you could come back and tell me all about how you fell in love, but it would never last.” I look up at her, startled. She’s smiling.

“Hay… That wouldn’t happen… Even if I did know a guy from there… And he agreed to show us around…” I can’t help blushing, so I duck my head hiding in my hair. I can hear Kayla giggling, I look up at her,”You shouldn’t skip out of school just to come to the beach.” All she does is points to a group of teenagers, “My class gets to come here.” She raises her eyebrows in amusement. I just shrug and set down my towel, so I can sit down. Kayla has already set out her things. I push my sunglasses over my eyes.

An hour later Kayla has to leave. Her class has to get back. Waving good-bye, I sigh and gather up my things.

The next few days are spent gathering things, packing and talking with Kayla, who is convinced that I knew a guy over Facebook from Columbia. Now I”m not so convinced that I didn’t…

I have been listening to Caitlyn and Dustin talk about their future plans for hours. The plane took off 5 hours, 27 minutes and 7 seconds ago and I’m getting sick of Caitlyn’s wedding plans and her feeling up Dustin every two minutes… Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I jump  from surprise, gasping slightly. Blushing, I look at the owner of the hand. Her eyes are all I can focus on. they are a pretty green color…

“oh.. Uh, hi…. How can we help you?” I manage to say. She just wants to know if her outfit looks okay. I tell her yes and go back to zoning out. By the time we are halfway their, I am asleep.

Awakened rudely by sudden bumping movements, I moan and groan, opening my eyes a bit. My throat is dry and my eyes itch. My stomach growls violently as I move to sit up. My back is sore. There is a stewardess checking to make sure that everyone’s seat belts are buckled. I gather what voice I can muster to ask, “What time is it? Where are we?”, she turns and smmiles happily at me, “We are 20 minutes from the Medellin, Columbia airport. It is 5:33 am.”

I nod and rub my eyes, wiping away eyeliner onto my black hoodie’s sleeve. I glance towards the back of the plane, wondering if it’s worth the effort of going back there to put on eyeliner. Then, BAM! A moment of realization hits me in the face… ‘Medellin, Columbia… Why it that particular city familiar sounding to me?… I never really researched South America….’ As I ponder this, we are landing in the airport runway. It barely phases me from my trance. Before I know it, Dustin, Cat and I have been escorted from the aieport,  with all our stuff, into a car and to our hotel. The college only got us 2 rooms, but that’s fine by me. “I’ll sleep by myself, you guys can room together. I’ll be across the hall if you need me.” Too tired to argue, we all head to our rooms.

My room is pretty big. there is a king-sized bed in the middle of the room. About 10 feet away from the foot of the bed is a 5×2 flat screen TV. There’s a bathroom with a Jacuzzi tub and a big shower. There is a bedside table about 6 inches away from the bed. I set my bag on a chair by a 4x4ft table with 3 other chairs by it. there is a small lamp on the bedside table. I roll my eyes for no particular reason at all and unzip my big hoodie.

Then there’s a light knock on the door. With a slight sigh, I go to the door and open it up. On the other side of the door is a young man standing with my luggage. His hair is dark brown, his eyes match his hair with darker shade of brown. He has moderately full lips, he is wearing a black and white plaid, long sleeved shirt with a black vest and a white “for show” handkerchief sticking out of the pocket. He is wearing black dress pants and black dress shoes. His smile is patient, comforting and frighteningly familiar. ‘why is he so familiar looking to me?’

A voice with a beautiful accent came, interrupting my thoughts, “would you like me to bring these in now, miss?”, I step away from the door, pulling it open for him. All I can do as he passes into the room with my luggage is hide my blush behind my hair. I hear a low chuckle come from him and I blush more, but look up at him as he places my things next to the bed one by one, studying his movements. Wondering where I know him from. when he is done, he turns and looks at me, to find me staring at him with a confused look on my face. He just grins at me.

“Haven’t figured it out yet, I see. Well I work here, so you’ll have plenty of time to figure it out.” His smile is still on his face as he bows slightly and turns to leave through the still open door. I stand there for a moment, watching him leave before saying, “wait… You know me? Why do I know you? Where have we met?!…” I wait for an answer as he turns to look at me. He is now in the hall. He looks amused, “You ask a lot of questions in person too. I suppose now we’ve officially met. If that’s all, I have a lot to do. You might see me around.” with another small bow, he’s gone.

With a feeling of extreme disappointment, I close my door and to go my luggage. I pull out two towels and my bathroom supplies(body wash, shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, razor, hand soap, etc.) and go to the bathroom. Leaving the door open, I fill up the Jacuzzi and soak for an hour, letting my muscles relax after a really stressful day. I call up the front desk and ask about room service after getting dressed. Now it is about 8 am.

I decide to wear a blue mini-skirt that has small black bows on the edge, my black tank top that has blue thread for the seams. My hair is just going to be down after I straighten it and put my blue and black headband on, separating my bangs from the rest of my hair. I glace at myself in the mirror, seeing something missing. I grab my eyeliner and mascara, going to the mirror and pushing my hair out of my eyes. Putting on the eyeliner, just as I hear another knock at the door. “Oh… Maybe room service, I guess…” I murmur as I go over and open the door. The person I see isn’t who I expected… It is the guy from earlier. He is pushing a cart now. I step aside to let him in, blushing a bit. After I forget about my blush-filled face, I get breakfast from him.

He smiles and says, “You really don’t remember, do you?” I look down at my plate, blushing because of the gentle tone he used, shaking my head. I look defeated as he stands and gathers my dishes and sets them on the cart. “You’ll figure it out. Probably soon. You’re a smart girl.” he says, pushing the cart to the door, he pauses, looking back at me smiling. As the door closes I whisper, “I hope so…”

Caitlyn, Dustin and I head out to take pictures at fun looking places. At lunch time, we go to a restaurant, but I don’t eat. I have my camera hooked up to my laptop, taking the pictures from the camera, so I can edit them and make them look more professional. Caitlyn and Dustin had been my “models”. They did many poses for me(dead, hugging, kissing, etc.). I have a lot of pictures to go over. there are about 2,540 in all. It’s only about 7pm, so I have plenty of time to work and send the finished pictures to my teachers. That is how they are grading me. In this batch there will probably be around 50 good pictures, but I still have to look them all over.

This becomes the daily ritual. I do the same thing for four more days. That night, after a hot shower and going to bed I have a dream:

“I’m so in love with him!” I giggle, skipping around the part in Minnesota with Kayla, who looks like she’s heard it a million times. “Whatever you say, just don’t get hurt.” I look giddy and girly and like I didn’t hear what she just said. “Oh, Geronimo won’t hurt me! Just because I can’t actually see him doesn’t mean we can’t last.” ~blackness, fades to me crying at  my laptop~ I’m looking at a picture on the boy’s facebook page, I have our chat open. He said something that I can’t see, because of blurry vision. ~blackness~

Waking up, I sit up fast, panting and sweating,clutching the blankets. ‘Geronimo’ things start coming back to me. I told myself it would be better if I forget him. We stopped talking, because I was too emotional towards him. I slowly forgot about him, but promised myself that I’d never date, unless it was him. I shake my head and look at the clock… 5:07am, shivering a little, I get out of bed and splash some water on my face. I wipe away the droplets after a few seconds. Shaking my head, I stand looking at my reflection. “It’s not possible…” I remember asking for help with Math and being all emotional. A sudden rapping on the door causes me to jump. I look at myself in the mirror again. “I look horrid…” I grumble and go to the door. To my surprise, it’s Caitlyn. she looks WAY to happy to be up this early.

“Why are you even up right now?” I ask her. She just shrugs and asks, “why are you?” I wince, as if her words hit me in the head like a brick. “I… I had a dream… I remember…” she looks up from the teddy bear she had been inspecting, with a bewildered look on her face, “Remember what?” I sit down on the bed next to her and tell her about my first encounter with Geronimo in the hotel and how every time I saw him, he seemed to know me. I tell her about my dream and that I remember now.”Oh, wow… I could have told you it was him. All you had to do was ask. How could you forget him? You used to be so obsessed with him…” Now I have my knees tucked under my chin, I shrug, “I guess I forced myself to forget…”

Another knock at the door cuts me off. I glance at the clock, surprised to see that it is 7:20am and my breakfast is here. I go and open the door, letting Geronimo in as I stare at him in a complietely new way than before. It’s his turn to be surprised when he see’s Caitlyn in my room. This time, after he comes inside, I shut the door, crossing my arms over my chest. He just smiles and asks, “So have you gotten it yet?” Caitlyn gets up, pulling a chair over and pushing him into it.

“whoa… It’s not like she wasn’t going to figure me out.” I smiles, amused, “How long had you known it was me?” I ask curiously. His smile is a gorgeous flash of white teeth, “The moment I read your names of the guest list. I volunteered to take care of you guys.” I hear a gasp, not realizing that it is me, I have my hand over my mouth, too. Not sure what is getting to me, I sit on the bed and duck my head, hiding my blush.

His teasing voice sounds gentle as he asks, “would you like breakfast?” I can feel my blush fading, I look at his cart and pick out a piece of what looks like cheesecake along with some apple juice. His chuckle startles me, “Getting away from the normal ‘healthy’ stuff?” I shrug and eat the stuff. I can’t tear my eyes away from Geronimo long enough to answer whatever question Caitlyn may have asked me. I see a grin cross his face, I whisper, ” oh crap, I just missed something…”

I jump up when I see Cat glaring at me. She just storms out of the room, looking as if I had kicked her boyfriend in his “man parts”, “Caitlyn!” I rush after her, just to get their door slammed in my face, “I-”BANG! “okay…” I feel heat rising in my face and my eyes filling with tears fast.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, I whirl around just to find Dustin there, looking sympathetic. “She’s just in a bad mood, don’t mind her..” I can’s speak, I keep choking on tears and waves of chills.. “D-don’t mind!?” I finally manage to speak, but it comes out as a yell, “She’s my best friend and now she’s mad at me! And all you have to say… it… “Don’t mind’!!!” At this point I can’t breathe without shuddering.

I run to my room. I have completely forgotten that Geronimo is still here. He is now gathering dishes, but looks up as I run into the bathroom and close the door, but I don’t lock it. I sit in the corner, hugging my knees to my chest, just letting myself cry. As I start to calm down, the door opens, I look up at Geronimo, begging in a look for a hug. He comes over and sits next to me, nudging my shoulder gently, “You guys being here is the only reason I haven’t quit yet. I’m staying at this place until you guys have to leave.” I look at him, one more tear streaming down my cheek.

I swallow hard, “You’re staying for us? why? I always felt like you avoided talking to me…” New tears are forming in my eyes and falling down my cheeks. I can’t look away from his face now,, but my vision is blurred from tears. He smiles and pulls a perfectly folded tissue out of his breast pocket and uses it to wipe away the tears staining my cheeks gently and uses his thumb to catch the last tear. He leaves his hand on the side of my face, looking into my eyes.

“Yes I am… Just for you.” He smiles and stands up, offering both hands to me, “now… Shall we see what’s bother Caitlyn? I can go with you if you’d like. You guys are my only guests.” I nod, taking his hands, he pulls me up gently. And we go to talk to Cat.

After making up with Caitlyn, I remember something Kayla said. “Oh! Geronimo? would you be willing to show us fun places to take pictures? It’s really important. It’s for classes.” He nods and we follow him to where he drops off his cart and we set out. He takes us to all sorts of great places for 3 weeks. The places where he takes us for pictures are so amazing and the pictures end up better than where we went on our own.

In the car we listen to a lot of trance music and K. pop. I generally sit the front passenger seat, Geronimo drives, Dustin sits behind me and Caitlyn sits behind Geronimo. We are listening to a rock band and wearing mostly black. My feet are up on the dash board, my arms on the armrests, the windows are open, letting the wind blow around everyone’s hair. I grin, thinking of all the places we’ve been, wondering where he could possible take us next. This is 5 days into the 4th week of our stay. I’ve sent in so many pictures to my teacher that they will be sick of me soon. I haven’t quite convinced Geronimo to be a model for me yet, but he might soon. I smile at the thought of getting him to do poses.

I look out the front window and look at the clock. We’ve been in the car for almost an hour, I look up again and see a sight that seems all too familiar to me. I look at Geronimo who keeps glancing at me, as if waiting for something, “keep looking we are almost to the spot…” his smile is mischievous as I look back, seeing water, the ocean, and many scattered islands. I suddenly gasp, “I know this place! You sent me a picture when I wanted to know what this place looked like.”

I glance at Geronimo, who’s smile never vanished, he nods, “precisely.”I continue to study his features. Caitlyn and Dustin are just waiting and talking to each other. Possible about wedding plans. I’m so thankful for them being distracted. I reach out and touch Geronimo’s arm, realizing that after 1.5 weeks I may never see him again. He glances at me, confused for a moment, his dark brown eyes looking into my gray-blue ones. I itch to be close to him and never let him out of my sight, but swallow those feelings.

He starts to pull into a parking lot that is up on a ledge above the sight and a beautiful place for pictures. No one else is here. I instantly know what I want to do, “I want pictures of each of you alone on the dock and then all together, okay? Caitlyn first.”

As she walks down the steps, I catch pictures of her going down and heading to the dock. I take many of her standing at the edge looking into the water, when I wave for her to come back, she holds up a finger and continues looking into the water. I start to get a very bad feeling about her being down there alone. Just as I’m about to say something to the boys, I see Caitlyn jump in. I hold my breather for her, but as I’m looking for her to pop out of the water, I see movement at the sandbar. I force myself to focus on the movement, I must have been staring, because the boys look too.

My eyes widen as I see the pointed fin and the huge shark body. “CAITLYN!” I yell as loud as I can, but she wouldn’t have heard me even if she wasn’t in the water. I freeze up. Images of my life without her flashing through my head. I feel like someone is holding me back, but no one is touching me… “Your clothes would weigh you down anyways, let me go.” says Geronimo.

I tears off my sweater, shorts and tank top, exposing my new bikini. I grab the closest sharp object, being the tip of a harpoon. It is about 1.5 feet long. Then I run, jumping over the railing and over the edge of the cliff. The air rushing past my face gets my adrenaline going, pumping fast through my body, I slice open my arm as I fall, drawing the shark away from Caitlyn.

Waiting to die is always the worst part… the suspense of the moments spent in silence… The water turns a deep red from my blood, I move just in time, the shark attacks, but almost goes past me. I stab the harpoon bit at its eye, shoving harder, pushing until my hand his shark flesh. ‘Serves it right…. No one hurts my friends…’ Sinking… Can’t breath… Need air…. I release the air currently occupying my lungs, but can’t breath… can’t keep water out… I take in a lungful of water… The pain.. Caitlyn is safe…. She’s safe… Knowing that she got out okay fives me an overall sense of peace and fulfillment in life. Sinking… Blackness…

Light starts penetrating my dark solitude… There is blue sky, and occasional darkness causing a shadow across my face. Someone rolls me over as something goes out my mouth. My eyes start to adjust. I start to feel my chest fill with air and then release the air. My numb hands start to feel cold.m I can feel a hand squeezing mine. I twitch my fingers, trying to tell then that I’m alive and not to give up.

I roll over as if waking up from a dream and cough up tons of water. I feel the hand leave mine and arms cradling me as I breath on my own. My eyes are still adjusting, but I can tell by her slim figure and huge boobs that it is Caitlyn. I curl into her, hugging her, “I… I’ll-cough-I’ll always protect you…” I manage to say, squeezing her gently. As feeling returns to my whole body, I realize that I have a searing pain in my arm, looking at it, I see a  flow of red. I feel a hand take my shoulder and I’m suddenly leaning against someone else. I’m being picked up and carried. All I can do is rest my head on his shoulder and pray that he protects me. I feel something coming up under me. I cling to my rescuer, not knowing that he is setting me in a bed in an ambulance.

“It’s okay, it’s just a bed.” that smooth, beautiful, elegant voice whispers in my ear. I feel him leaning as he sets me down. I blink away blackness, looking at my rescuer. Those brown eyes, brown hair, lovely face… Geronimo. I reach out for him as he turns to go, “Please.. D-don’t leave me..” I cough up some more water and a bit of blood. I whimper as tears roll down my cheeks. I swallow hard, still reaching for him. I’m surprised when his hands envelope my hand.

Shivering, I roll onto my side facing him and pull his hand with mine, up to mu face as I assume the fetal position, attempting to get warm. One of his hand pulls away, he stands up, leaning over me, pulling a blanket from behind me somewhere and spreads it over me. He also pulls his chair closer to me, keeping an arm wrapped around me and the other by my cool cheek. I snuggle as close to him as I can while the ambulance starts and we are left alone. Blackness….

I move my legs stiffly, but bump into something warm, I open my eyes after feeling fuzziness against my cheeks and softness inbetween my arms and my torso. I see my teddy bear and stuffed giraffe that I named Geronimo when I was 16. I look by my legs and see Shippo! M sister’s shih tzu. I pick him up and set him on my lap with my left arm, I look over and see that Geronimo is holding my right hand in his, sleeping at my bedside. I look next to him and see Caitlyn and Dustin sleeping.

I look at the small dog in my lap and realize, ‘where’s Heidi?’, just then I see the door open, my sight is blurry from tears, I can see a blurry version of Heidi coming in and behind her is Kayla. I give up trying to hold back tears, sobbing into my stuffed animals and Shippo. Geronimo wakes up, probably from me pulling my hand away, blinking up at me. Kayla and Heidi sit to the left of my bed. Geronimo leans close to me and whispers in my ear, “See? People do care about you.” he kisses me  gently on the cheek and sits back in his chair, now we all have to wait for the doctor….

“Where are we?” I ask, Geronimo smiles and says, “Pensicola, Florida. Looks like we do get to stay together for a little longer.” I not sleepily and go back to sleep holding his hand close to my heart.

Song Title: The Real Monsters of Rock
Written by : Havik

We are Dangerous,
and we have been since
our mother spit us out
on this wretched earth!!

our evil is feared by each and every soul
our power is going to take its toll

(chorus)
We are Monsters of Rock
we are Angels of Metal
we’ve come to take your life away
We are angels of rock
we are Monsters of Metal
we will destroy your world today!

Annihilation, Decimation
Violence, Bloodshed, and Death
I hope you enjoyed, taking
your last breath!!
guitar solo

(chorus 2x)

You won’t escape, your fate is sealed
join us, your destiny will be revealed
Soon you will see,
HEAVY METAL WILL SET YOU FREE!!!

“When we shot the cat I knew we were leaving.”

as I said in a poem I never wrote,

and, in fact, I left two days after the night

you flung the damn thing off the bed, careless in ways you hadn’t been since you first came to me

bringing your vanilla stink, the ice cream revulsion that you’d do anything to be rid of

(as murders go, “I wanted to lie

wrapped in wool blankets and watch cartoons all day

undisturbed” makes good sense).

I never put out ads,

never called myself a witch-woman or even

a woman, but word circles

and you weren’t the first to cry over crying

over Sailor Moon or small hands: “I should be

better than this.”

or to grease my diagrammed stomach and shove me into the oven like pork

in the name of disarmament. You would fly into the best passions:

crush bananas on my mouth in yellow-brown muss, unafraid,

urinate with your head thrown back, wrenching out the gospel like a steering wheel hard left.

You would spend my money and lose your money and burn their money and throw the money and come home from the cold with your arms full of books and

blankets and fresh brown eggs and the skin chapping white off your nose, unafraid, you would shave your legs for costume balls but let your beard come dark. You would conduct sirens with your jointed bones symphonies on rooftops before the fire reached you, you would leap into canyons of ivy, beach-bottle green with secret eggplant thighs redblueblack where stem meets leaf and your hair was thick as a marsh with my sweat.

Unafraid, you would get out of this place as easily as replacing a battery, and leap over walls, and weep over dogs, running unafraid, you would kill the man who dared despoil that sugarsnap pea boy, there, with his diamonds and his gold, in his sweatpants and his pumpkin-bread streets, back home after a day. You would testify in God’s court, you would not fear

God’s working love in its steam driven perpetuation, God’s shuddering steel of working love.

Well, I may have helped.

I kept you clean and leant you pens and never asked.

Good night. God bless. Safe home